Friday, December 16, 2016

Hyperfocus Is Hell

Brain Hamsters Are Out Of Control

Trying to quiet things down, so I'll ramble for a bit. 

Hyperfocus is hell

So, the first thing is the hyperfocus. People hear hyperfocus and think, "hey, how cool would it be to be able to block everything out and just focus on a single thing for hours/days/weeks on end?" My response? I'd like to punch you in the mouth. For me, it's more of a case of something getting stuck. It spins, it doesn't resolve, it just goes. I imagine it's a bit like someone who might have OCD. Imagine the symptoms. You have the irrational compulsion to wash your hands every time someone near you sneezes because a bit of spittle might have landed on your desk and the germs may have made their way to your hands and it's winter so everybody around you is sneezing so you keep going to the restroom (where people keep sneezing) and you keep washing your hands with really hot water because the hot water will kill the germs and it's winter so your skin is already cracking (making the risk of the disease a little bit higher) so you keep washing your hands and your cuticles are starting to bleed indicating that you've raised the risk of picking up that disease so you wash your hands in that hot water again. 
Sound like fun? Didn't think so. That's how the hyperfocus feels. Thoughts on a single subject that just keep spinning. When you get really tired there's a little sleep, but as soon as your brain gets enough rest you wake up again. Maybe you have a couple of drinks and numb up, but when that wears off you realize everything is still spinning away. It just won't stop. 
Frankly, relieving the hyperfocus has been the single most valuable effect of the medication. For the most part, as long as I keep on my pills I don't go into weekends feeling like I'm getting ready to swan dive into a psychotic episode. Unfortunately, stress kinda kills the effectiveness of the pills, and know what? I'm stressed. So, to be clear, this is good stress. It's driving me to a stroke and I'm starting to have trouble keeping up, but it's stress. Lots of it. We're at the end of the year. The org has like 10 projects with hard year's end deadlines, and I'm lucky because I happen to own 4 of them. Things are going pretty well, but by any definition you can come up with, stress. And, naturally, I'm neck deep in all of them. An awesome combination of the hyperfocus and chaos. The brain hamsters are running on their wheels, and they won't shut the fuck up. 
It'll pass. It'll start passing in about 6 days when the christmas holiday starts. 
In any case, hyperfocus lovers, shut your fucking pie holes or you might get a punch in the mouth.